shoot me in the face, please

Inspired by fiestada's panicky entry:

I have two days of classes left, then the weekend, then two days of finals. The good news is that I'll be home this time next week. The bad news is that I have so much to do before then.

I'm frantically trying to get my SPSS analysis crap done, track down the chick I need to interview for Unruly Women, study for my SPSS exam, study for my sexual orientation exam (you'd think I'd get this stuff, right?), finish reading The Passion of New Eve for Unruly Women, and finalize my presentation on Corporate Childcare that I have to give in, oh, seven hours. I'm going to die.

And then there's the boy at home who I have a raging crush on. He's young. Legal, but young. We flirt. He teases me. I insist that he stop toying with a boy's fragile state of mind, and he insists that he's not. He swoons from time to time, but then again he's also on the phone with people other than me pretty often. Being the older person in this situation, you'd think that I would have more control over myself or the entire situation. Not so much. I'm such a 15 year old schoolgirl with braces and a lisp when it comes to this shit. Bah.

At the end of every semester, I go through similar changes. I usually end up buying a pack of cigarettes before finals week, smoke a few, and throw the rest away. I've smoked almost an entire pack this last week. That is very unlike me. Maryann is smoking more, too, which worries me that we're going to turn each other into chain smokers next year. I have such little control over myself.

I also started a self-imposed diet on Monday. No more bagels with cream cheese in the morning. Breakfast is actually easy for me to follow. Fruit, yogurt, two hard boiled eggs (no yolks), and perhaps a basic sugarless cereal with banana. When it comes to the other meals, I just avoid the foods with higher fat content in exchange for something a little lighter. I'm not acting as good as I'd like, but am certainly still eating better than I was before. That's better than nothing, I suppose.

I had a bad dream last night. Something bad happened to my mom and stepfather, which left them unable to care for my three small siblings. My sister had to take the little girl, and I had to take the two boys. It was next year, so our house was inhabited by me, my two brothers, Maryann, Kat, and Abby. I was a full-time dad and a full-time student. I think the reason it scared me so much was that it's not far-fetched by any stretch of the imagination. Next time you're on your knees, send a prayer their way instead of sucking the usual cock, eh? Thanks so much.

Erin, my buddy who just got married two weeks ago, was fired today. She was essentially a social worker, working with street kids with little to no future, busting her ass making shit for money. One of her kids attacked her, which is common, but the kid's mother told the agency that Erin instigated it, and threatened to sue. They calmed her down by promising to terminate Erin. The girl has so much shit going on in her life right now, she really doesn't need that. I feel awful, and my heart goes out to her.

PJ sent me an IM tonight asking for my address. Keep in mind I haven't spoken to him in like a month since, you know, he ripped me off to the tune of $600. I asked what he wanted it for, and he replied "to send you your damn money." I responded that I'd sent him my address a month ago, and I never got a fucking thing in the mail, so what's the point? It was then that I was greeted with the following away message:

I have learned in the past months just how shaddy people can be. I thought i could trust certain people, but them being younger than 25, they know nothing about being an adult. I am glad that they are no longer in my life. I have better things to do than to waste precious moments on them.

EXCUSE ME!?!? First of all, WHAT THE FUCK did I ever do besides shell out six hundred fucking hard-earned dollars to fly your good-for-nothing ass to NYC for the weekend?? Second, you're telling me that I know nothing about being an adult?? Bitch, I became an adult when I was two years old, and have been one ever since. Let's not fuck up the facts. Needless to say, he then signed off without saying a word to me. I just love when insult is added to injury.

note to self: do not trust ANYONE with a last name different than your own

I'm Listening To:
One Thing I Did Today: