Take a Back Right Turn

Dear Chelsea,
Why do you feel the need to have more gay friends? I wish you were more comfortable with the abundance of "hets" that surround you and I on a daily basis. I felt really bad when you pulled me aside at lunch today and asked if I sometimes wish I hung out with more gay people. I felt even worse when I laughed at you and basically damned all gays (other than us, of course) to hell for being douchebags. No, Chelsea, I adore the breeders in my life, and would no longer be alive if it wasn't for them. I wish you the best of luck in finding dykes to chill with.

Dear White Kitty & Black Kitty,
Did one or both of you throw up in my room this afternoon? I came back from class and was greeted with the undeniable stench of vomit. I know the smell well, as I've vomited in my room on numerous occasions thus far in college. However, I know for a fact that this time it was not me. Care to fill me in on any surprises? Thanks so much.

Dear Biensoul,
Your voicemail message makes me laugh! Only you, dear, only you. That's still no excuse for not calling me back! Harumph.

Dear Frightening Bisexual Guy on Campus,
Please, I repeat, PLEASE do not look at me like that every time I pass you to/from class. The evil grin on your lips and the crazy glimmer in your eye creeps me the fuck out. Please stop. Now.

Dear Stuart Teach of the NRECA,

Your presentation to the senior Management majors this morning was AWFUL. Had you actually been discussing anything of remote interest to me, I would have walked out of that room and shot myself in the face. It was that bad. Please do not ever return to my school again. Oh, and tell our professor that he's a creep, no one likes him, and that he really ought to wear his wedding ring more often. We notice these things.

Dear Mailman,

I can see you out my window, clearly ignoring our house. I realize that we probably don't have any incoming mail, but don't you see my two letters sticking out of the mailbox, waiting to be delivered to Maryland? C'mon now.

Dear Leftover Kielbasa,

You are monumentally tasty, and I will finish you when I cook dinner for everyone after work this evening. Enjoy your last few hours living in that Ziploc bag.

Dear Self,

Congratulations on taking the first step and making arrangements to go visit your sexy, sexy friend in Florida in November. Not only do you deserve the break from school, but you will also most likely score! with him during your visit. Double bonus.

I'm Listening To:
One Thing I Did Today: