these broken wings will never be repaired

I learned something very sad today. I thought some people were capable of change, of bettering themselves. I thought people were genuinely able to turn themselves around, able to prove themselves. I was wrong. I found out that I've been deceived for quite some time by two people very close to me. Unfortunately, this is nothing new. I have what you might call an "intense history" of being taken advantage of. I don't mean to sound like a whiny headcase, but seriously. All joking aside. Today I realized that I've been duped. Again. Bigger than the previous duping. It's so bad I'm not even sad. I don't think I'll be crying myself to sleep tonight. Instead, I'll be staring at the ceiling, unable to sleep because of what I have to do next.

All my life, I've been an overwhelmingly trusting person. So trusting, in fact, that it has ended up being one of my biggest faults. The first guy I ever loved threw away everything we had for one cheap night with an ugly fag, despite knowing that I would have done anything for him. The guy I hung out with after him pulled me down a well-crafted line of lies and tricks until he got what he wanted out of me. The guy I started informally dating after him ended up confessing to me that he was simply using me as a way of seeking revenge on his ex. The guy I hung out with after that ended up being a complete nut-job, completely fucking up any chance of anything coherent between us. The guy after that led me down a similar road as before until abruptly tossing me to the curb. That brings us to today, and this summer's problems.

This time, things were much more complicated. Things were physical. Intense emotions were experienced VERY prematurely. I got ahead of myself. Things were WONDERFUL for a short period of time before crashing down and becoming AWFUL. To add insult to injury, I find out there was a less than savory connection between this guy and my first love... a connection established in the midst of whatever we had. A connection kept out of my view until I pieced it together.

No point in hiding it now. I've loved two people (you know, other than family and friends) in my life -- the first guy and the last. The first guy lasted almost two years, while the last was only two months. In a way, I loved him more than the first. But that's neither here nor there.

I can't withstand this kind of blow again. That's not metaphorical -- I seriously could not survive this for a third time. Not a single soul on Earth knows what I go through during times like these. Physically, emotionally, and mentally. I've tried explaining it to numerous doctors, all of whom have given up hope on me, slapped me with an astronomical bill, and politely asked me to leave without scheduling a follow-up appointment. I've undergone considerable medicinal treatment. I've undergone traditional therapy. Nothing comes even remotely close to helping. I don't care what the dictionary says -- my definition of torture is what happens deep inside my body on an all-too-often basis. I cannot, CANNOT, allow it to happen again.

I've been fearing this for a while. It's not what I want to do, and it's not the way I want to live my life, but I no longer have a choice. There's trust and then there's trust. There's "hey, can you give this to Robert for me?" trust and then there's the kind of trust that is embedded deep within your soul. I will always be trusting in the Robert sense, but I can no longer be trusting in the deep-down sense. The most painful part of this realization is that it includes everyone. EVERYONE. Even my own mother. There's a sickness deep inside my head, and I truly believe that it's unique. I know everyone has their demons, but there is no doubt in my mind that I am alone on this. On a very basic level, my body has guaranteed my eternal loneliness. I was brought into this world severely jaded and pessimistic, but it has only gotten worse with time.

To put it lightly, this has not been a good day. And what's worse, today was the start of the rest of my life.

I'm Listening To:
One Thing I Did Today: